what can i do next ?

Monday, June 29, 2009 ; 9:50:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

its the first day of school today .. its a bad day .. 2 problems occoured today ..

the first thing : my locker . the padlock has been removed . and then the top lock is locked by the school . i cant take out my books for class lessons . then right after the teacher released us after the last bell , anna and i went to find mojojojo , my school's OM , which is officially known as mr jaya , for the key to unlock my locker . then , the problem solved . but next up , the second problem ..

the second problem ..

during the day .. i kept on smsing brandon , my kor ,and my dhaddie , which apparently is my bf .. then when i met him after the locker thing is solved , i was still smsing brandon .. then he saw me smsing him .. this is when history re-plays again .. the last time was chuanjing , he didnt make a big fuss out of it .. and didnt mind at all .. but now , he still sent me a sms when he is sitting right next to me , saying :

so it seems that you have your kor to sms jiu can liao right?

which in other words means that i have brandon to sms then i can dont care about him already , which is not ..

then i started emoing ..then cried .. only then he knowa that im hurt . when i was crying , i ignored whatever he said .. then when i stopped crying , he left for home , as he was already late ..

then i went with mandy and phoebe to block 108 , and they played basketball while i walked around , emoing .. then sometime later , he smsed me

" dun sad, its my fault, sorry. "

then i replied

" i didnt say it is . " which means that i didnt blame him for making me cry .. but he replied

" it is.. its never your fault.. only your responsibility.. "

then i asked

"what do you mean by responsibility ? "

then he replied :

" coz if you keep spending time with your kor.. i'll be jealous.. and i will tend to push you to him.. so if that happens, it will really be your fault.. for losing me.. if you dont mind losing me.. then go ahead.. "

at that instance , i broke down crying again .. he meant if i continue and carrying on living life like today , i will lose him ..

and its total threatening , and hinting for a breakup . i dont know whether he knows how hurtful it is to me , but , he kept on apologising , saying he just wants me to be happy .. even if it is for him to die , he would .. then he broke down into tears too ..

then there was awkward silence on the phone line .. then after a short while , we hung up . coz we really need to calm down .. which apparently i tried calming down , even until now ,because all the past wounds ..they havent even started healing , and he adds on another wound , not to mention where , but it hurts alot ..

from the first wound of my previous relationship , my ex , all the pain and wound hasnt fully healed , and all the new wounds start coming in , like a tsunami , not stopping ..

why must he be so cruel to say all those things ?at this point of time , i can only type them all out ..he has became much more sensitive than before , getting more and more emotional than he ever did .. if he continues like this , how are my wounds supposed to heal ? i cant imagine .. i have no idea how long this relationship can last .. i hope for forever and ever .. but he's like .. pushing me off the cliff and then suddenly grabbing me back .. hurting and breaking my heart all over and over again ..

unless all the wounds and pins stop coming in , or else i cant see how far this relationship can go further .. i really dont want to end this relationship .. but if these really continues , i'll be left with no other choices but to end it .. i have been always trying to change , changing for the better , and for him .. but .. he .. he .. seems to be changing .. from protecting me , to someone who i dont know , and that someone keeps stabbing , slashing me and doesnt seem to realise it .. i really dont want to see all these happening .. im like .. starting to feel like im in a relationship with a stranger , a new kaiboon that i dont know at all .. a totaly different person that i used to know ..

he has changed ..

i cant get used to this ..

i cant salvage this relationship .. its sinking down to the depths of the ocean .. im really trying very very hard .. bringing it back to where it originally stared .. he may not be able to see it .. but im really giving my very best into it ..

i know all these sound a little exaggerating , but this is really how i felt about it ..