what can i do next ?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 ; 5:06:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

today .. he was supposed to come over , but his mother wants him to be home coz she not working .. then he cannot come over .. even though im feeling unwell , it would have been better if he was here .. but anws .. i dont blame him for not coming over .. though yesterday i looked forward to today that he will come over .. when i was on the way home , i suddenly had the feeling that im afraid he couldnt come over .. and it came true .. then he said that he would msg me when he reach home . and it was 1.55 and he was already at bedok .. then i didnt recieve any message from him only until 3.29 does it really take him so long to reach home ? i really dont know what he's doing , and how he is now .. i just want him to be by my side .. forever and always being by my side , being there for me when i need him , when i need his care and concern ..

Friday, September 25, 2009 ; 10:25:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

im really unhappy and feeling very pissed off now .

there is this passerby commenting :
Altough idk you and this Theodora, but dont you think its unfair to her that you wrote her name to show everyone? She's also a victim. And youre making her sound like a culprit, seriously. If you were Dora, will you be happy that someone just wrote your name for a bad purpose ? I guess not am i right. Pls keep it private to the 3 of you.. If not just change her name to something else can.. &, i saw the tag that she say that you do not have to write everything here. You just replied thats what i do. You think this is your style very cool ah? Not cool at all. Pls at least respect her. At least respect her cos you wrote in her name in your post. If you're in her shoes, how you feel? I bet thats how she feels. Pls get a change of your attitude. You can scold me for all you want, idc.

so since she said she doesnt care , i'll scold for all i care . i vommented back , :
you know what passerby , i dont care at all . because , i dont give a damn to everything at all now . because i dont have to care about anything at all .if its unfair to her , then what about me ? i am also one of the victims okay . even though the thing is solved now , there is still this hurt within me . and all i can do is blog it . okay , it may be my fault for just writing her name there , but , what if you were me ? what would you do ? my friends try to comfort me , and cheer me up , but it just doesnt work . and i can tell you , when im unhappy , everything appears on my blog . whats wrong with that ?

and now im gonna continue scolding now . i dont give a damn , and im gonna make everything specific . im the one who suffered the most . i gave in my best in the relationship , and this is what i get , not only theodora suffered okay . he is at fault for bring a girl to his house . knowing that he has a girlfriend , and yet bring a girl to his house . and he even HUGGED her okay . fuck . and whoever you are , passerby , fuck off from commenting on my blog . i dont want to see your comment ever again . what i do doesnt concern you at all . arshole . you think you like that scold me through comments i will scared isit ? fucker . its my life and i want to live it my way . so dont guailan here guailan there . i dont have the world's time to update everything okay , kaopekaobu . you will never know how it feels if you were even in my shoes . fuck off .

Monday, September 21, 2009 ; 4:23:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

whoo !! its a long time since i've ever came online .. so many things happened during the weekend =p haha on friday, many good things happened of course =p and i got my skinnys =p =D haha

then came saturday , in the morning anna told me that her tuition timing changed , then can make it for yp . then i was late ! coz of the damn bus 63 . i missed the bus and end up late . aherman was the song leader . so cool . i think it was his first time up there bahs =p hahah . then the commitee ended the rule of the different gender sitting at both sides . maybe next time i'll see couples sitting tgt =p hahahs . bs was fun . then only then i realised that the pen mdm chua borrowed to use to take out her batteries from her speaker cant write anymore ! so angry larrhs ! haha . then after bs i very guai worrhs , i went straight to doing homework . then becca and brandon teased me for being so guai . haha . brandon make it sound like he didnt know . what kind of korkor is he ? hahahas . then raena came to shock me with her torturing bomboms !! she can even do it with me sitting down ! now i know how wilson felt when he kenna-ed it .. wilson kor , now alot of people also getting it lerrh =p . hahah . after , we went for dinner at ikea . i was broke with only 5 bucks , and borrowed 2 bucks from lydia =p then wilson kor kor book out late , then couldnt join us for dinner . haha .

but then came SUNDAY .. ling jiejie's ROM ceremony . i wore this greyish silver dress , with blsck skinnys , and HEELS . i went there then afternoon go changi airport you know ! my sole so painful lehhs !! haha , anws , in the morning when we arrived there at the hotel , we went up to the toilet to have our make -ups finished , and went to the polside . hahahs , ling jiejie looks fo beautiful !! we had loads of photos taken .. before and after the ceremony , everywhere .. lydia is the craziest , the one who wanted all the photos taken . then hmm .. oh ya , it was duper HOT up there D= .. even the clodest chocolate melted within 2 minutes . then we decided to go to the shade , and thereafter , staying in the lift , coz the lift is really cooling , but coz ruizhen still wanted to eat , then she didnt join us in the lift . then the lift went down to the lobby , and we stayed at the cold lobby , taking photos everywhere , even in the toilet . crazy right ? but we still did it . then after that we went changi airport .. WALKED LIKE CRAZY .. then ruizhen and my soles were really very very painful at the end of the day . i couldnt even walk properly .. but kinda had some fun .. also took quite a number of photos .. but i havent recieved the photos .. so i cant post it .. D'= hahah , but still , yesterday though its really torturing for my legs , but its still a fun day ..

Monday, September 14, 2009 ; 5:47:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

hehehehe ^^ today got to meet him , and i asked him all the blah blah blahs , then .. he said that he really went to hug theodora though .. but it was for fun .. though i really dislike it .. but .. i wasnt hard hearted enough to start shouting at him .. if he reads this , its the best .. all his reminders are here ..

as my boyfriend , he ..
1. has to know his limits .
2. is not supposed to bring any girl to his house .
3. i know this sounds selfish , but , he cannot hug any other girl .. cant have too close a distance with other girls except for me . in other words , cant do any intimate with other girls .
4. has to know that a promise is a promise . it cant be broken .
5. has to be faithful , loyal , and nice to me . he also has to trust me .
6. has to acccept me for who i am .
7. has to seek my opinion in things that involves me .
8. never stress me .
9. understands me .
10. knows how i feel ..
11. has to know me needs .
12. has to be trustworthy .
13. has to be there for me when i need him .
14. can never hide things from me .

so thats about it bahs .. ^^ hehehehe ^^ =p

Sunday, September 13, 2009 ; 9:49:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

i dont want to see tomorrow .. im afraid of what might happen .. im afraid of many things that may happen that i dont want them to happen .. what can i do to prevent them from happening ? i dont know what will happen .. but im afraid what i think of will come true .. i dont want them to come true .. if it will happen .. i'll rather live in my own fairytale ..

Saturday, September 12, 2009 ; 11:48:00 AM♥

was it the right choice ?

me:
-ah gong ..

eileen:
-haha yeah?

me:
-i very sad ..

eileen:
-why?
-kai boon?

me:
-yarhs ,,
-.

eileen:
-i know it him..but i donno wat happen

me:
-go my blog read the most recent 2 posts ..

eileen:
-ok.

eileen:

-hmm.

me:
-..

eileen:
-well, you know i cant give much advice on relationship problem

eileen:
-but, life is really unfair in the sense.

eileen:
-even though he hug your good friend, it may not because he like her or wat.

eileen:
-and, don say i this ahgong wanna break up relationship.
-if you dont trust him, wat the point of this relationship??

me:
-i know. its not that i dont want to trust him
-but .. things like this , its really hard to ..

eileen:
-i know it not easy to trust him
but ,i think both of your need time to cool and calm down

me:
-trying to .. but .. i cant ..

eileen:
-just relax la..

me:
-i really need some time to talk to him .. but he is always not available ..

eileen:
-try to find time.

me:
-i dont know lehhs.. theodora trying to get him out after school on monday .. so that we can talk ..

eileen:
-tell theodora tat you need some time with him

me:
-she is helping me to get him out , the let me have a good talk with him ..

eileen:
-than tat good wat.'

me:
-but then im just afraid of the worst ..

eileen:
-face it.
-you still have to face it no matter wat.

me:
-i know i have to face it ..

me:
-i dont want to run away from it ..

eileen:
-tat good.
-just face it even if it the worst.

me:
-even though its good , but facing the worst will bring loads of hurt t me ..

me:
-im afraid of being hurt again ,,
-after so much ..

eileen:
-i know this feeling of being hurt suck. but the longer you drag, the longer hurt you get.

me:
-im really afraid of getting hurt again .. after having going through so much with him ..
-i dont want to get hurt ..

eileen:
-hmm.

me:
-but even though i went through so much with him , i still end up getting hurt ..

eileen:
being hurt is normal in reletionships

me:
-though normal ..
-but its too often ..
-its like strangling me ,
-and i cant breathe ..

that is what had just happened .. ahgong eileen's conversation with me ..
dont know whether it will help me through ..

; 10:16:00 AM♥

was it the right choice ?

i couldnt sleep all night .. i was thinking of what happened between those 2 "siblings" im really losing my trust in him .. i think .. its because of what happened .. of what i found out .. i really dont know .. like what i just posted not long ago on facebook :

just saw not long ago : cherish what you have , or end up regretting . and i agree with whats written there .. no matter who they are , or what they are , whether they are your enemies , friends , good friends , best friends , families , anyone relat...ed to you , something / someone special to you , or that someone that means alot to you , CHERISH THEM ALL .. dont wait till you lose them then you start regretting .. by then , everything will be too late ..

it was pointing right at him .. whether he knows it or not , whether he bothers to read it or not ..

im really doubting his love for me .. i dont know if he still loves me anymore .. but i still love him .. thats for sure .. i know that all along ..

but then .. what hapened on monday , that i just found out last night , i really cant believe that he actually did that to theodora ..

if he doesnt know it , im telling him right now , through here , that i consider it as that he has betrayed me just by doing that ..

hugging her .. she is my good friend .. and yet he did that to her .. at his house .. im really disappointed in him , and im also angry with him .. just with that .. he doesnt know how much he has hurt me .. i dont want to do exageratting here , right here , right now , but .. i really cant take it in .. why did he do that .. doesnt he know that it will hurt me when i find out ?

im really questioning myself .. does he really love me ? or was it all a fake ? im really confused with all these .. what happened between them is pushing me to believe the others that he doesnt love me at all ..

which side should i side on ? i really dont know .. some say he didnt give his best in the relationship .. some say he isnt faithful at all .. some say that i should hang on , and press on , because he really loves me .. i really dont know ..

i hope things changes .. for the better .. but if .. if things goes to the worse , the most extreme , and when i really cant take it in anymore , i'll really have to give it up .. giving him up .. will be the last choice .. i really dont want things to go that bad , i dont want to give him up .. he is my only hope left for me .. if i destroy it .. i would really be nothing .. but i cant just hope for it .. i had to do something . that something to prove things .. but .. how are things gonna work ?

maybe that plan would work ..

Friday, September 11, 2009 ; 11:11:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

i really dont know what i should do now .. i dont know why are things happening this way ..
i just found out 20 mins ago that theodora went to kaiboon's house on monday .. and in actual fact , on sunday , i was asked along to study with them , then later it was cancelled , because " kaiboon cant make it and theodora has to take care of her brother " and the thing was cancelled .. so whats going on now ? theodora went to his house , all because kaiboon said he felt uncomfortable studying in the library .

then when they were at his house , kaiboon kept poking her , and then later hugged her .. thrice someore .

why did he do that ? for what reason , i dont know . he has even topped up his prepaid without telling me , making me think that he hasnt topped it up , thus not messaging me .

i really dont know what will happen .. im really starting to lose my trust in him , after knowing that all these had happened ..

he is like pushing me to believe the others that he isnt faithful at all , and didnt even truly loved me in the first place ..

what will happen to us , i really dont know ..

Saturday, September 5, 2009 ; 8:43:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

today .. school got carnival .. then at night which is now , got thanksgiving .. i didnt go for thanksgiving .. :'( and im really disappointed in him today .. i dont want to mention it .. but i still have to say , i still love him .. even though so many things had happened .. all bad things .. but i still love him ..

he acted as though he didnt know me at all in school .. im really discouraged by it .. and someore theodora is now his meimei .. and they are like .. super close .. he is closer to her than to me .. then what am i to him ? what am i for ? i really dont know what i should do .. i really feel like nothing now .. i feel like thin air in everyone's eyes already .. in that way .. i just feel really super neglected and ignored by him .. and its already enough to bring me down so much .. he doesnt seem to know what i really need from him .. i just cant understand why that need of his is the first thing he seem to expect from me .. and how he 'got rid' of me today .. i know i shouldnt be seen with him in school .. but its like so early in the morning and there's no one else in school .. and still thats how harshly he got rid of me .. *cried lots today*

Wednesday, September 2, 2009 ; 8:24:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

i heard he didnt do well for the progress report .. i hope he's okay .. i know he's really studying hard .. but he had 3 underlines .. i think it wont be good if his parents sees it .. he may be scolded more .. but i cant help him in any sort .. what can i do ? sms him ? i dont even know if he would be able to read it though .. i hope he does .. if he's okay , im already very happy ..

but if he's not , i can give up everything for him to be okay .. like how i answered zoe last week , if he was kidnapped , would i give up my life to save him ? my answer was yes .. she said i was dumb .. but she doesnt understand how i feel now , in all these situations .. she even asked , even if he ask you to jump down the building right at this second , would i ? then i answered , if it will do good to him , then i will .. as long as he's okay , and he's happy , im fine with it .. i know it sounds really dumb to her .. but its really how i feel .. she even asked , even if he no longer love you , what will you do ? and i said , i would just give it up .. if its not meant for me .. i know it'll hurt , but as long as he's happy , i dont mind .. and no longer irritate him in any sort .. as long as he's living his life to his fullest , happily , its all okay to me ..

i know all these sounded stupid to many .. but its tue of how i feel bout it ..
hope he's okay ..

Tuesday, September 1, 2009 ; 8:59:00 PM♥

was it the right choice ?

these few days arent how they are supposed to be , to me ..

i havent heard from him for quite a while .. i wonder how he is .. i cant call him .. cant contact him .. coz everytime i sms him , i know there wouldnt be any reply .. because there never would be a reply from him .. till he tops up his prepaid card again .. i dont know when itis .. but .. for all i know .. it will be long ..

i cant get any source of encouragment from anywhere or anyone other than him , seriously .. but .. i cant get those encouragment anymore .. i havent heard his voice for quite some time already .. i dont know how long i can go on without any encouragment from him .. i know its not possible for it now , because .. he cant ..

but just those words like : press on , you can do it , or even just a smile would do the job ..

i hope he's okay ..